How does learning about our families’ past help us deal with anxiety?
For as long as I can remember, I have been anxious. As a half Thai/half British kid growing up in Bangkok, Thailand, I was always worried about not fitting in. Anything from a loud noise to a tricky homework assignment scared me. But I mostly worried about not being good enough.
“Why do I feel like this?” and “What is wrong with me?” I often asked myself. The answer came to me from an unlikely source: an Indonesian mystic whom I had written to. She told me that I had inherited my anxiety from my ancestors. My anxiety was theirs. And if I wanted to break the cycle and not pass on my anxiety to my two daughters, I needed to get to the source of my anxiety.
That advice lit the fuse for me to do things differently. Below are three things that made a difference:
(1) Know thy ancestors. The first step to breaking the grip of the past is by learning the stories of those who came before us. In my research on my family's history, I learned that my Chinese ancestors fled Communist China. They left their families behind when they immigrated to a new country, and it was a time of fear and uncertainty. But they also drew on reserves of courage, strength, and openness to possibilities. By celebrating our ancestors’ stories, we can tap into our own reservoirs of hope and resilience.
(2) Watch Encanto. Understanding how intergenerational trauma works can be transformational. Traumatic events don't just shape the people who directly experience them; they also have unforeseen ripple effects on future generations. Ideas about how we make sense of the world are often passed from one generation to the next. Bessel Van Der Kolk, a NY Times best-selling author of the book “The Body Keeps the Score,” noted that kids mirror the adults in their lives. For instance, if a mother believes the world is not a safe place, her child will likely internalize that belief as his or her own. Encanto, a magical Disney film, and Everything Everywhere All At Once, an Oscar-winning film, are great stories that grapple with how trauma trickles down in families.
(3) Break the cycle. Remember that anxiety is a part of life, but it's not the only part. Having anxiety does not mean we are doing something wrong. In fact, it is a sign we are doing something right. When it comes up, it gives us an opportunity to remind ourselves that life involves risks. We can let anxiety defeat us, or we can look at it as a friend: evidence that we're shooting for the stars. The next time you feel anxious about something, stop for a moment and take stock. What are you worried about? What is the worst thing that can happen? And what is the best? Conquering our anxiety one thought at a time is the only way to live the life we are meant to live. It is also a way to teach our friends and family that we too can overcome our pasts.
Let me know how anxiety shows up for you. Remember that talking about it often helps loosen its grip. Please reach out to me if you need professional assistance with this topic. Drop me a note through the Contact page if you have any questions.
